my wife recently caught me doing something i have been doing for along time. talking to myself, carrying on an entire conversation, speaking two people's side of the conversation. in the past i have been suicidal but i have a pretty good grasp on that now.  but still suffer with depression and major moods swings.  my wife thought i was acting out a movie, which makes me realize that i do look at life like it's a stage, like i can control how a conversation is going to go before it happens. i am just very confused as to what is wrong with me. and i am very tired of struggling with all these weird emotions.

I wish there were more people in this world who would speak up about borderline personality disorder. When you tell a person you have it, most people dont know what you are talking about it. and it's hard to make someone understand something that you yourself dont really understand.. I always knew something was wrong with me but my parents always said it was a phase or that i just overracted to things.. They never made the attempt to get me help. If they had things wouldnt have gotten as bad as they have. I'm 23 years old and i have borderline personality disorder, social anxiety disorder, chronic depression, severe panic and anxiety disorders, and obessive complusive disorder. I am in therapy and i'm on medication, but the meds arent right so we have to change them yet again. i have been on so many meds in the last 4 years it's been unreal. I've been married 3 times. Life isnt easy.. but i wouldnt ever do anything to hurt myself. and that's because of my son.. I couldnt do that to him. Right now i feel like i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.. Things have just become so hatic and out of control. i let other people control my life and i've always done that. i dont even know who i am.. I dont know the real me.. I just blend into whatever situation i am.. Going to the store is a hassle. i see people and i just imagine that they are talking bad about me.. I try to control my thoughts and it just doesnt happen.. It's gotten so bad i dont work. i get SSI.. i cant keep a job.. I dont like people..

I go to coles county mental health.. i really like my therapist.. i feel comfortable around her for some reason.. I cant do the group, i cant handle being around people.. I dont trust people, i get nervous and kinda freak out in my head.. It's too much for me at the moment.. I firmy believe that alot of how i turned like this was because of my mother. she's wasnt a good mother.. and was very mean and still is to this day..

My whole life I've felt compelled to make friends, and once I've gotten them, to "suck up" to them to keep from losing them. I'll buy them things, make sure to take them out or to include them in every fun aspect of my life. Then, one day, after we have been really close for a couple of months, they'll piss me off. And ill take just one little thing to heart, one comment, or maybe i wont talk to them for a week. Then i hate them. When i was younger, i thought the reasoning was right. Now, i see it as naive and immature but i still feel i am right. I feel nuts.

Often, my mom or someone close to my will make a comment which may put me down in my own world. I'll start crying, they will call be a baby and then ill see red and throw something or break it. Then they say im nuts and selfish. I feel that way. So ill go cut myself or take lots of pills or binge drink to feel better. Usually, unless i od, ill wake up happy again, and perhaps ill stay happy, for the most part for a couple of days. Ill have my daily sadness and cry and feel like an idiot but my reason for crying is always rational-only to me. Then after a couple of weeks of UPS and DOWNS, ill "go nuts" again and break something or cut myself or hit someone. The cycle starts all over.

Today, in court (I stole something-why i dont know-got put on probation-got depressed-started using drugs-got violated for prob and sent to detention-so now i have court all the time) i was informed i may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I know you or whoever reads this can't diagnose me, but does it sound like borderline personality disorder? I have had three suicide attempts. Was raped by my sisters boyfriend at age 13, and have been cutting ever since. I dont mean to sound like i want to be sick or be mentally ill, but i have always wanted to know whats wrong with me-why my moods and feelings change so rapidly, why i hurt people i love and feel better when i hurt myself and then guilty all over again. HELP